this is me pretending to care about things

2008-08-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

I tried to warn you. I did my civic duty to make sure no one else would be a victim but people just don't listen. You think "Oh, not my floor, would never happen". Lo and behold, it has:

Frank strikes again.

If you look at this picture, Frank has clearly altered his apperance. I'm thinking he has the same plastic mask thing Tom Cruise had in the Mission: Impossible movies, the tux and top hat make me believe he's purporting to be some man of affluence around town. One minute you're getting the decanter to pour a boothby and speak of what a feckless prat so and so is with your new friend Baron Von Turdsington and the next minute he's vanished and 3 pounds lighter. His obvious skill in deception and evasion make him a master criminal. You've been warned thrice now, folks.

So, speaking of floor poopers, Courtney Love!

Say what you will about this woman but I commend her. I mean, she still gets major acting roles. She was in a Will Smith movie! I mean, look at this scene and tell me you don't see the intensity is still there:

I totally thought she was going to eat the dog in that one scene, no doubt in my mind. I think she does the whole "method" thing like Brando.

Yeah, what's that fat bitch done for any of us?

It's a lonely world out there. People just need a little companionship from time to time. Some one to talk to, maybe eat a little crab meat with, maybe... jerk-off and pretend to be Godzilla with, y'know? It's, like, a universal human emotion. I think it's what Bridget Jones' Diary was about. That yearning. And it's totally not gay.

It's always nice to treat yourself.

Doesn't she (I'm guessing it's a she) look like that fucking bullfrog the little girl from Pan's Labryinth had to dig the key out of? I am almost certain she was one of the boss battles in a Zelda game, just belching fireballs and and bellowing laughter. You had to fight her and steal the crown and she went all agro:

Then I'm all like "Whoa, bitch I don't give a fuck if you have the Trident you don't scare me".

Beware of Zombies. And Frank. More so Frank.

2008-07-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

Think about that. Also, think about tattoos:

You have your practical tattoos. I mean, how many times have you had to go ALL the way to the drawer to get out that damn ruler to measure something? Well, no more. No sir.

Are you still mad you got fire going up your arm like that little chode in Linkin Park? (doesn't he look like some annoying mission lesbian that you secretly think about beating up?)

Well, make that shit your own (the tattoo, not hate crime) and get it blacklight sensitive! When you get a time machine and go back to 1997 to rave you will be fucking blowing people's minds.

But why should people with sight get all the fun? What about the blind? Answer: The braille tattoo. I'm pretty sure it says "CHINESE CHARACTER".

Then again, what if you can see and you get bored easily? Maybe you like little games and/or puzzles but don't want to carry them all around with you. Well... (I actually printed it out and connected the dots so you guys don't need to, it's Samantha Ronson and Lindsey Lohan at Disneyland riding Thunder Mountain)

Maybe you don't like ink. Maybe you have some weird repressed memory of ink touching your bag when you were a little kid. Naturally you think henna is for hippies and fuck hippies (I know it's from India but those people don't even use toilet paper so I don't want to hear it) Now you can tan that shit on you. Give yourself that imitaion Coach bag look.

Maybe your just some black dude who likes to eat peoples mom's out. It's all good, tattoo that shit on your tongue, son. Now they know what's up. That and the fact your tongue is long enough to tickle her bladder.

We're getting a lot of bases covered but what if you have some scrotey kid? You take him down to the tattoo parlour and pay the nice man to get THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN across his chest but Noooooo, they won't do it. The alternative, a needless version that soaks into the skin and lasts for ten years (not making this up).

Here's his grandma. I believe she played one of the Deadites in Evil Dead 2.

Also. Eye tattoo.

Okay, here's my favorite. I give you Zombie Boy. I'll also include some of the excerpts from his interview.
"So what other body modifications are you planning?
I still want to get my brain shaded in. I want to get it all nice and grey like hamburger meat. And then I want to get Frankenstein bolts sticking out of my head around the rim of where my scalp’s ‘cut off’."

"And I’ve thought about getting my eyes blacked in. I’m thinking that in five years from now, if no one’s gone blind from it by then I’ll go and get my eyes tattooed black, so there’d just be big holes in my face.
Have you ever thought about having the tip of your nose removed?
Yes, and I’ve seen it before on TV. This guy had a flesh-eating disease and he was able to get his nose cut off because they gave him a prosthetic replacement. I was so jealous. I wanted it so bad. If I get my eyes blacked in I’ll get my nose removed.
Would you have your ears removed?
Maybe just the one. I was thinking of having worms coming out of one ear and a spider’s web in the other. But I’m an extremist, so if I met someone who could remove my ear and get the right result, then that’d be cool as hell. If I saw someone walking around like that I’d shit myself.

Would you burn yourself with acid to get texture on your skin?
I don’t know. I’m not a pro. But it has nothing to do with pain. I like pushing the limits to see how much I can take. I’d get my tongue split, I’d get my teeth sharpened."

"s there any kind of body modification you wouldn’t have?
Cock-splitting. I’ve seen pictures of that and it’s not for me. But I’d tattoo my cock. I’m thinking of having reptile scales and cockroaches."

Speaking of zombies, I have a little garden area now, and I badly want this for it.

Sweet dreams, don't let Frank shit on your floor.

Excerpt from a conversation with my sister last night and other things completely not related to that.

2008-07-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

The Movie:

Me: (replace the word Nintendo64 with Dark Knight)

The Conversation:

Sister: Well, have you seen any movies lately?

Me: No, but I got tickets to go see Dark Knight today!

Sister: See what?

Me: Dark Knight, you know, the new Batman movie…

Sister: (audible sigh) Are you serious? They still make those?

Me: What? Of course! The last one was awesome!

Sister: Fuck Batman.

Me: Fuck you. Christopher Nolan makes them now, they’re all dark and shit. Christian Bale! (starting to grasp at straws) Heath Ledger’s final performance, he’s supposed to be great in it.

Sister: What? That guy who O.D.ed? Isn’t he, like, a clown or some shit in that movie? Are you actually being serious?

Me: (barely mumbled) It’s in IMAX….

Sister: Wow. (setting me up for the kill) Are you gonna go see Hulk?

Me: Already saw it. Opening night.

Sister: You are such a fag.

Me: There’s a Wolverine movie coming out this year, too.

I have that Lil Wayne song "A Milli" stuck in my head. And I don't mind. The song makes me want to rob a bank in slow motion. Okay, so, I've had this thing where I try and guess which celebrity or psuedo-celebrity would be/is a rapist, and what kind of rapist they would be. Like, Mike Tyson. He is the King of celebrity rape. He has that, beat you with a screaming cat while jackhammering you, kind of rape vibe. Then there's your Micheal Jackson, spike your white zinfandel with kolonopin and when you're passed out make charcoal etching's of your balls, type rapist. Who else and what style of rape is out there in celebrity land? Please, tell me your thoughts on which A-lister would unlawfully cornhole the shit out of someone.

I like this video, it's a sexy party.

p.s. I know the mix of Batman, rape and fun, naked music video is all very exciting but please, don't jerk-off to my blog. Here, this should kill it

Fucking pervert.

Time for something cuddly

2007-10-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like it's pointless to be writing blogs if you don't atleast, once in awhile, hit on some meaningful things. You have to stop and realize what's going on and be conscientious about the world we live in. There's few things that make me stop and appreciate nature and the beauty of simplicity. This cartoon perfectly sums it up. It's an anime and I highly recommendit. It's call Pompoko. Here's the trailer.

It makes me want to get outdoors and see real things again, just enjoy the world for what it is we'd..... we'd.... that's funny. Watching it the second time....Hold...Hold on...

Jesus.....

They have balls.

Giant. Airbag. Parachute...

FIGHTING BALLS!!!

Nooo!!! I hate THEM!! I hate the racoon balls!!! Fuck nature!!!! (weeping) I'm never going outside again! Burn it all and make it a fuckig stfucking strip mall!!!!!!!

Currently listening to: My 360. I'm drawing the curtains and never going out again.

2007-10-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Remember in Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill would leave a butterfly pupae in his victims throats as a calling card or something? (It's hard to rememer 5 shitty sequels later) Anyways, apparently Korean serial killers are lazy because there you just buy them big juicy cans of them.

Before we get too far into this, know this, I really have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I have to pee a little bit, but that's about it.

With that, I give you Drunk Alex Trebek!

It's all about Trebek going from a beer to a crystal goblet full of vodka. You dumb son of a bitch.

Alright, that's about it for now. I'll write something amazing, poignant and heartfelt later.

Right now, I'm Hungry.

Death By Sexy

2007-10-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

To each their own and all that, but, what precipitates this kind of shit? What singular, defining moment in their rearing did they stop and think "Hey, I want to dress up like Papa Smurf, smear my calves in marmalade and ride an E-Z Bake oven to blow my load" I guess we'll just have to take a look into this won't we?

I give you: Unbridled Human Sexuality (a.k.a Ewwwwwwwwwwww)

Omorashi

OF COURSE it wouldn't be some weird shit unless the Japanese were involved. These particular folks whole thing is getting off by the feeling of having to pee REALLY bad then the climax comes when they piss their pants in front of someone and are embarrassed about it. Oh (huff, huff), don't you look at my pee-pants, I'm (groan) So embar(aaaaauuuuhhhhhhh)ssed.

Hard Crush

Then there's those who like high heels. Not so weird, I suppose, they're kind of hot after all. These daffy fuckers don't just enjoy women wearing the heels but throw babby-batter at the site of them stepping on and squishing small rodents while wearing them. Sexy, no? Now really with shit like this I start wondering. It seems like you have to be exposed to or see something all the time to really want it. Like tits, they're all couped up and hiding but you see them all the time. That I get. Where are you getting all this smashed rat innuendo thrown in your face?

Plushies!!!!

These people. Sigh, these people...well..they..just see for yourself.

From Crackle: Sex 2k furries and plushies

Are you sitting there all *yawn* seen it, heard about it all already? Think there's nothing up my sleeve that you're little cynical minds haven't come across?
Think again. Go to boytaur.net. You're welcome.